Back In The Womb

This blog first appeared on wordpress.com/yogainthehouse 3 months ago:-)

I can't say I feel super inspired to write at the moment...you might already be thinking "well, time to move on to the next blog then", and since I can't predict how this blog entry is going to end up...you might have been right!  Still, I'm going to persevere and share, so thanks for reading on if you manage to:-)

Time feels a bit muddy right now, but I'd say it's been almost a week since I've been returned home from my "Journey into the Heart and Soul" experience at Path of Love.  I'm hesitant to comment on my experience.  It seems many return blazing a trail of expanded love; I can't say this is my current expression, but I know and trust that time will unfurl jewels and secrets of love along the way.
I've come back very tired; very, very tired.  Before leaving for the Path of Love process my family and I were already head long into a major transition/transformation.  I still have no idea what the outcome of the transformation is going to look like, and I can't even say I understand yet where we've been, but I know something big is underway within me, and ultimately within my family unit.
I've been experiencing a bit of a crisis.  I've been feeling unclear of my role, my identity, my passion, my longing with in my family.  I've been feeling clear that I haven't been exampling true self-love and self-care in family life (who does?), but I know I do feel very inspired to learn how to do this, without hopefully compromising everyone else's wellbeing of course:-)  This is the tricky thing about being in a family, especially with three children; and I appreciate there is nothing special about my crisis, as it truly is a modern-day dilemma that many are feeling called to contemplate and re-consider.

At the Path of Love, the facilitators helped me recognize that one of my self-destructive patterns is to feel what I feel in my body, but then to discount it or ignore it in order to serve the needs of others that I feel responsible for.  This pattern I believe has contributed extensively to my experience of chronic pain, which is predominantly on the right side of my body, and that I have been "working" with for the past 10 years.  I started to carve out proper "self" time within my family about 4 years ago...however, the only way I felt justified to take this time for myself was if I crammed it full with studies and hard work...which truly wasn't what I needed.  Even back then my body was still aching and requiring healing work from two births and extensive breastfeeding and moving country about 8 times in almost as many years, but I ignored it.  Healing is not nearly as esteem-able or as worthy to fill one's time with as hard work and study (this is my super-ego talking of course, but perhaps you can relate), and so I busied myself with "valued" work, things associated with achievements and success (and I'm a contemplative yogi!!).  Everything I've been studying is oriented around the healing arts, and the old adage of "you teach what you need to learn" is definitely true here...  Within the last 4 years I've been pregnant, had another baby, breastfed her for 2.5 years and moved country 3 times... AND still, since having her I continued to cram more studies and business development in; talk about faulty-patterning and self-betrayal!  My body-mind-soul is shattered.  I used to feel like a wimp for admitting to these sorts of feelings; but they are my own, and this is how I FEEL.

And so my journey into the heart and soul was one of outrage at myself, how could I do this to myself? how could I not be on my own side and stick up for my body? this beautiful, amazing, life-giving, sacred temple that houses my heart and soul, how could I betray it/me?????

Through out my Path of Love experience, I definitely touched on some willingness to forgive myself, but I guess that will only truly happen when I feel the pattern has changed: when I truly embody self-care, self-respect and self-love.  And where is this modelled in our current cultural model?  What blue-print do I have of modern day mamas really taking care of their bodies, hearts and souls before grinding themselves into the ground in the name of service to the family?  I feel like many women might have even looked to me as an example of this new-age-empowered-mama taking care of herself, but I know I've definitely been arriving very short of the mark.

Anyhow, everyday is a new day right?  One breath, step and choice at a time.

So, time to get off the computer and lay down, and do nothing...maybe I'll read a book, maybe I'll do nothing but feel my body and say "I love you, thank you for keeping on keeping on, and trying your best at housing me even though I haven't always been on your side".  It is pretty amazing how willing our hearts, cells and tissues are to keep going even though we often treat them/ourselves poorly.  Talk about leading by example in trust and generosity.  Makes me think of our greater body, Mother Earth, and how generous she has been at housing us even though we've been treating her unbelievably poorly...can't tell me there isn't a bigger-picture lesson/metaphor going on there!

So much love, for ME and for YOU, for US and for our MOTHER and LOVER EARTH.

Love