Sharing vulnerable humaness

Hello, this is me and you are reading my blog:-)

So, my Monday version of "Tuesdays with Morrie" has just came and gone, and what a delight.  It felt like, and so I named it, exciting joy.  This is how I feel when I connect and abide in this relationship with my neighbor/mentor/friend.  Of course, this is not the only source of love and joy in my life in relationship, but when it peeks out of unexpected (though did I expect it?) places it carries a certain type of momentum, a certain type of aha! feeling, and that is nice and inspiring. 

That's how it feels, inspiring. 

One of the greatest gifts this connection is offering me is letting go of fear; letting go so I can get out of my own way and shine whatever light I have to give.  I have often felt embarrassed and even ashamed of sharing my light.  I have often felt like my light is trivial and naïve...and of course for so many wonderfully delightful reasons it is naïve, but not worth being ashamed of, and definitely still worth humbly sharing (as all of our lights are). 

Can you hear it in the background: "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...".

 It can be, and has often felt for me, scary to share.  Being vulnerable and exposing and expressing oneself is scary.  I don't want to sound too presumptions, too righteous, too conceded, too insensitive, too arrogant, too naïve, too imperfect... In my experience of relationship with others, the opportunity is there for my light to either be muffled, or also just as intoxicating, to be interpreted as a brilliant star- shinning more brightly than any other star has shone before!  Both interpretations, I believe, are unhealthful.  Of course, I have a general bias and preference for the interpretation where the other thinks I'm brilliant; but inflating my ego (though purposeful) is not necessarily healthful or keeping me in balance.  One interpretation leads me to feeling on top of the world: I am special and spectacular; the other one leads me to feeling like crawling into a hole, underground: I am stupid and worthless.  I am learning to trust that both experiences provide me with an opportunity to feel out extremes, which teaches me both something about myself and my relationship with others. 

But, I am trying to cultivate a middle ground here.  As I continue to move between both extremes, I feel out the terrain, AND I feel it is healthful for me to fine tune my ability to be centered and balanced.  For now however, I would like to move forward with less fear of sharing myself. 

Since I started this blog I have been rediscovering my joy of writing and sharing through the articulation of words and language.  I still, of course, do not want to be judged harshly, but am learning that that is not my work, that is who ever is judging's work:-)  My work is to love.  My work is to learn.  And I feeling more comfortable with the idea that my work is to share, as this is what I have to give.  I have appreciated the contribution of others, so I can allow for the contribution of myself, with out shame or vanity.  What I find tricky, is the fact that sharing brings me joy, and I question whether joy is a biased preference, another form of extreme...or does it guide the way to healthfulness?  The study of flow and the healthful benefits of optimism I feel support using joy as a guide, but I still watch this space closely and try to keep joy and righteousness separate:-)

So, you are reading my blog: you may like what I have to say and you may not; that is your experience and I trust the service of your feelings and interpretation.  For me to be quiet, out of fear of sharing my humanness, my vulnerability; well, that says nothing about you and your experience, and everything about me and my fear of letting go and trusting in the processes, our collective and individual one/ones. 

These thoughts, these are very personal, and so they feel scary for me to share, as this is my habit, but with volition I am working on growing.  I wonder if I should even hit "Publish".  Ohhhh, the tension of opposites is so sparky!  But what's the big deal, what is so scary about sharing a few words, it is what ever you and I decide to make of it, and we're both here (virtually anyhow!).

And so I am letting go. 

This reminds me of the mantra/aphorism I am currently saying, every morning and night:

Let go, grow and flow.

Finally, here is a little poem (and thank you for reading my blog):

Can I express my left with my right hand writing?

Instead I type, haaaaaaa--------h, balance.

Unbind my strong women:

Here she is, a living light.

One hand in front of her eye, unable to see the horizon in its complete essence of balanced beauty;

Each exhale expresses another fold of her fractal self;

A continuum;

An off centered, imperfect living perfection of movement;

A lawless though patiently abiding pendulum, tilting on every axis.

With each pregnant step my feet grow wider

and the ocean, receding back on itself, as it spreads forward.

How can I unbind my strong women when she writes with her right hand and sees with her right eye?

So for now I type, and later I will paint castles in the sand with my left hand.

But for now I type