Purpose of Trust

Trust. Trust is the edge I am currently working on, today, now.  The other day, my issues with trust surfaced, front row and center.  The clarity around it was stunning, really.  Although I realize, nonetheless, that my process of unravelling, of truth seeking, will continue from this moment on; still, today, the clarity around my lack of trust surfaced so calmly and clearly, that I almost felt dumbfounded by its simplicity, it felt simple, calm and clear.  So, of course I feel like sharing. 

I have struggled, my whole life, to trust.  I have always felt the need to protect myself, to stick up for myself, to defend myself, to put things in place in order to prevent or stop others from hurting me.  From the time I was a small girl, to this very day that I recognized it, I have felt unable to trust.

I don't believe these feelings are unique or special to me.  I believe I have seen them reflected back to me in the eyes of many, and from my perspective, more often than not in the eyes of other women.  For those of you who when reading that last assertion immediately feel inspired to stop reading, I am sorry for your negative feelings.  I am sharing my story, my perspective.  Do not fear, I appreciate my perspective as an anecdotal, limited view; nonetheless, I think it is valid to share. 

I am sharing my story, not out of a need or desire to change any of your minds, but from a need to articulate my recent epiphany, to try to change my own mind.  I am not meaning to, or intending to, blame anyone for current unjust practices, but simply trying to share a, hopefully, useful perspective.  I would like for it to be clear that I do not believe anyone is bad or evil, but perhaps sometimes severely lost, mislead, disconnected or asleep.  The very insight I stumbled on was the fact that truly my issue lies first and foremost with myself: as in reality I haven't trusted myself to stick up for me; so how could I ever possibly trust or expect anyone else to? 

Although this is slightly off the trust topic, I bring up my feelings of concern for the mistreatment of women, as: a) it carries lineage in my perennial issue with trust, and b) I do think there is a collective, communal and global need to work on eliminating the mistreatment of other living beings, especially of the feminine, in our world.  It is my position that much of the mistreatment of others beings in general is carried out unconsciously, by people sustained in a trance of social/cultural norms.  Neuroscience has demonstrated that most of our knee-jerk reactions or responses (emotionally, physically and mentally) to any stimuli (including that from the inside world of our bodies and outside world of other/the environment) is the result of ingrained habits.  Until we become aware of it, and practice otherwise, we react from a place of habit, not consciously.  Culturally, most of us have grown up exposed to social norms role-modeled to us from the time we were an infant.  Until we wake from our sleepwalking state of propagating unjust and unhealthy cultural/social norms, we will ignorantly continue hurting others, and ultimately ourselves, as their is no real separation between us, quantum physics has really put that one to bed (I think anyhow).  Instead, we can choose to consciously move from a quieter, peaceful and loving place, one that positive psychology suggests builds and broadens us, allowing us to truly flourish and prosper...collectively.  It's hard to imagine such a place, as many of us have come to believe that resources are sparse and competition is essential.  What if you believed abundance was possible, and collectively and consciously we could build a better way.  Check out theories around synergy, positive psychology and biodynamics if you need convincing.  Don't take my word for it.  I'm only a yogi.

Anyhow, back to the trust realization...

So, I haven't trusted people.  I haven't trusted people, because I haven't felt that those closest to me, have trusted me.  Those closest to me haven't trusted me, because they haven't trusted themselves.  They haven't trusted themselves, because they haven't trusted those closest to them....and back to the beginning of time.  Trust, I believe, exists when their is authentic connection, true partnership.  Anytime we are in a relationship, there exists an other: someone other than ourselves to either trust or not to trust.  Connection is the midline between two, or between two halves (depending on your point of reference).  Reflecting on this reality, and asking myself: "why don't I trust the other?", it dawned on me: "because I don't trust myself".  And then: "why the heck don't I trust myself?"...well, read on.

Often, when I've had an idea, or an inspiration or a call to action, if others didn't believe in it (or me), if they belittled the idea/feeling/call to action I had, or discounted it, or disregarded it, then...sadly, I often dropped it.  I let my idea go. 

In those instances, I made a choice to believe in the other's opinion of my feelings/ideas/call to actions.  Instead of getting on my own side, and trusting my own intuition, inner voice and passion, I got on their side; I believed them and agreed to discount my passion.  I have done this for years.  And the hardest realization of all... I have done this to my children and their ideas, passions, calls to action.  This is a devastating thing to realize.  But, when I marry that realization with the fact that I AM human, than I can accept myself and celebrate the insight for change:-). 

So, I haven't modelled connecting with and listening to my heart or gut.  As a result, I didn't respond ably, confidently, compassionately or even empathetically (strange to not even be empathetic to one's own feelings?).  Anyhow, if I couldn't trust myself to tune in and respond respectfully to how I was feeling, why would I trust or expect anyone else to?  All this time I have been looking for others to validate my feelings or passions, for others to see my worth and integrity and stick up for me; but, instead, what I truly needed was to see, value and listen to myself, to tune into my own inner guru, heart and belly. (With a solid dash of fine tuned discernment of course, self study in yoga is a wonderful way to cultivate a healthy inner critique, not an off-it's-face inner critique with a megaphone.  More on that another time).

Now, all of this is not to say that I do not think there is an essential and healthy place for discussion and opposing views in our greater sangha and community.  We are not the same, or perfect, (here, here to being individual and human).  We will inevitably find difference and perhaps conflict between our personal passions, motivations, needs, desires and that of others.  There is likely always a place for respectful and loving consideration AND compromise.  Living in a family of five is a daily reminder of this.  But it is our attitudes to one another that determine whether their is peace or contempt in the family.  When we work to compromise and perhaps even experience and realize the joy of generosity in relationship, suddenly there is synergy, suddenly the partnership is more than it's individual parts, and family life flows. 

I think trust is an essential foundation to generosity and giving.  I can truly give my attention, my love, my compassionate response to others, when I trust that first I will give it to myself.

And so, I try to listen, love
and breathe.

Thanks for reading, Jenelle